Inspired by those ingratiating good-will emails you
might get from your mom. They read: “I AM THANKFUL
FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I
AM EMPLOYED.” … “I AM THANKFUL FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN
AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN
SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.” … and on and on …
What I am thankful for:
I am thankful for the burn while I urinate because it means I just got
I am thankful for the death of my grandmother because it means I will
finally get my black suit cleaned.
I am thankful for too much email because it means I have a lot of
friends who want me to have a bigger penis, cheap inkjet cartridges,
free Frederick’s of Hollywood panties, and girlfriends with huge tits.
I am thankful for having to work 12-hour days
because it means I have a job.
I am thankful for not having a social life
because it means keeping my job is important to me.
I am thankful for sleeping through my alarm because it means my body
needed rest from too much work the night before.
I am thankful for being late to work again because it means my guilt
will be fueled to work even harder.
I am thankful for getting fired because it means my company is saving
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